i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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