just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
