btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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