In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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