Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
