Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize