When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
