dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
