allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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