i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
