i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
