What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
