my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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