Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
