True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
