So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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