Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
