I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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