is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
