Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
