I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
