my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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