The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
