I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize