It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
