This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
