Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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