You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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