Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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