just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Damn victory sex feels great
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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