Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
