I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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