He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
dude. I can hear the air.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
