Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
