I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
