I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
