She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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