Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
