i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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