I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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