the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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