Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
