Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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