there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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