is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
