Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
