I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
