I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
