Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
