Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
