you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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