: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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