I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no you cant smoke seaweed
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just blew my weed a kiss
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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