We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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