They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
